Avoidant Attachment Uncovered: 5 Misunderstandings and the Facts Behind Them
Avoidant attachment tends to have a bad reputation. If you scroll through social media, you may find posts equating avoidant attachment with coldness, selfishness, or an outright fear/disinterest in vulnerability and intimacy.
While avoidantly attached individuals do tend to struggle with intimacy, the reality is far more nuanced than many of these stereotypes suggest.
Avoidant attachment develops as an adaptive strategy—just like all forms of insecure attachment. The adaptive strategy for avoidantly attached individuals prioritizes self-sufficiency over vulnerability because, at some point, depending on or relying on others didn’t feel safe.
This does not mean people who lean toward avoidant attachment are incapable of vulnerability, intimacy, or long-term, connected relationships. It just means they relate to closeness differently.
In this post, we’ll unpack five of the most common misconceptions about avoidant attachment and the research-backed truths behind them. Whether you’re avoidantly attached, in a relationship with someone who is, or just curious, these insights might shift the way you see avoidance—not as a personal flaw, but as a learned response that, with awareness, can evolve.
Common Misconceptions vs. The Reality:
1. “Avoidantly attached people don’t have emotions.”
Truth: Avoidantly attached individuals do have emotions. Their brains have just been wired to suppress them.
Individuals with avoidant/dismissive attachment have a nervous system that is wired to down-regulate emotional distress. Early research on avoidant attachment, particularly Mary Ainsworth’s “Strange Situation” study (1970s), revealed that avoidantly attached children appeared outwardly calm and indifferent when separated from their caregivers. However, physiological data suggested a very different internal experience, making them appear detached.
Follow-up research by Sroufe & Waters (1977) demonstrated that despite their calm exterior, avoidantly attached infants showed signs of physiological stress, such as elevated heart rate and increased cortisol levels — indicating internal distress even though they outwardly suppressed emotional expression.
In addition, an fMRI study (Eisenberger et al., 2011), found that avoidantly attached individuals show increased activation in the dorsal anterior cingulate cortex (dACC) and medial prefrontal cortex (mPFC) when excluded in social situations.
These areas of the brain are associated with pain regulation and cognitive suppression, suggesting that avoidantly attached individuals experience social pain but their internal system works hard to suppress it.
Researchers also measured cortisol (a stress hormone) levels in couples before and after discussing a conflict (Diamond et al., 2006). Avoidantly attached individuals exhibited a blunted cortisol response, meaning they didn’t show the same stress reaction as anxious or secure individuals which again, reflects suppression of attachment-related distress.
In sum, people with avoidant/dismissive attachment may look calm or aloof during conflict, but this is due to an automatic and adaptive biological suppression of stress. Essentially, they feel something, but their system reflexively stuffs it down which may make them appear outwardly emotionless.
2. “They don’t want love or relationships.”
Truth: Many people who lean more avoidant long for connection, but closeness may feel fundamentally threatening to their system.
Many individuals with avoidant/dismissive attachment long for deep, meaningful connections, but struggle with the vulnerability it requires.
From a biological lens, one study (Olff et al., 2013) found that avoidantly attached individuals had lower baseline oxytocin levels compared to securely attached people. When given oxytocin via nasal spray, they showed no significant increase in bonding behaviors, unlike securely attached participants.
This study suggests that avoidantly attached individuals might not experience the same neurochemical “reward” from closeness, making intimacy feel unnecessary or even uncomfortable.
Through a behavioral lens, individuals who lean more avoidant often develop discomfort with intimacy due to early relational experiences that taught them closeness is either unreliable, intrusive, or even dangerous.
Their core defense mechanisms and learned behaviors have been shaped by early attachment dynamics which reinforced the idea that maintaining distance is safer than connection.
3. “ They just don’t care about their partners.”
Truth: Avoidantly attached individuals often do care but don’t always know how to show it. They may struggle to demonstrate emotional support to their partners, given that they also don’t know how to manage their own emotional experiences.
Individuals with avoidant/dismissive attachment learned from early experiences that depending on others is unsafe. They may have had caregivers who were absent/neglectful or caregivers who rejected/criticized their emotional needs.
They learned that they can’t rely on anyone else for emotional support, they can only rely on themselves. The problem – children are not equipped to process emotions on their own.
At certain ages of development, we rely heavily on our caregivers for emotional support. When caregivers are receptive and validating of our emotional experience, we learn that having emotions is okay and safe. We learn to identify, regulate, and effectively express our emotional experiences.
People with avoidant attachment have essentially shoved painful or confusing emotions into a proverbial closet, only keeping a few, more familiar (or socially acceptable) emotions out to play (e.g., anger, happiness).
In addition, individuals with avoidant/dismissive attachment are more likely to talk about their own emotions in a detached, intellectual way which is often a reflection of internal disconnect with their own emotions.
A study by Waters et al. (2015), investigated autobiographical language of avoidantly attached individuals. When asked to recall emotional events, avoidantly attached individuals used fewer emotion-oriented words, more abstract language, and more cognitive distancing strategies (e.g., “It wasn’t a big deal” instead of describing feelings).
This reflects a tendency to intellectualize emotions rather than directly experiencing them.
A study on adult attachment and emotion regulation (Shaver & Mikulincer 2007) found that avoidantly attached individuals show delayed emotional processing, meaning they might not feel emotional distress until hours or days after a stressful event.
According to the findings of this study, delayed emotional processing is likely due to the prefrontal cortex suppressing limbic system activation, making their emotional reactions lag behind real-time experiences.
Overall, avoidantly attached individuals may seem unaffected at the moment but later experience delayed emotional distress — sometimes without realizing what caused it.
4. “They’re all commitment-phobes.”
Truth: Some avoidantly attached individuals may avoid deep, connected relationships, but many are in long-term relationships — they just struggle with closeness.
A study by Spielmann et al., (2013) found that avoidantly attached individuals are more likely to choose “low-investment” relationships (e.g., casual dating, long-distance, emotionally unavailable partners). Their preference for low-investment relationships is often because closeness feels like a threat, and keeping relationships at a distance is a form of self-protection.
They may also fear losing their independence and self-reliance. Entering a committed relationship often involves leaning on your partner in some way or another. In this regard, it is important to remember that avoidant behaviors (like distancing or withdrawing) are often more about emotional self-regulation than intentional manipulation or harm (although the impact of these actions is often very hurtful on the receiving end).
The takeaway: avoidantly attached individuals often choose partners or relationship structures that ensure emotional distance, as it feels safer — even if it leads to dissatisfaction.
5. “They’re fine being alone and don’t need connection.”
Truth: Many people with avoidant/dismissive attachment often crave deep connection but are also terrified of it.
Many people with avoidant/dismissive attachment indeed experience a sense of relief when they are alone, especially after a stressful event or conflict in the relationship. However, this is not an accurate representation of their underlying longings or desires.
For people with avoidant attachment independence and self-reliance is like oxygen. They need it to breathe. When this life source feels threatened or compromised (e.g., if there are overwhelming emotional demands) they may feel like they can’t breathe.
If you lean toward avoidant attachment — you know the feeling. The moment you walk out the door during conflict and notice a palpable sense of relief —like you can finally breathe again.
Essentially, individuals with avoidant attachment learned to self-soothe through independence rather than leaning on or relying on others to soothe fearful or anxious parts.
I hope that through the information provided, you have a greater understanding of the reality behind these common misconceptions. Shifting from blame and frustration to understanding and empathy is paramount for healing attachment-related wounds and/or supporting our partners on their healing journeys.
Attachment Based Therapy Denver, Colorado
Whether you’re avoidantly attached, in a relationship with someone who is, or just curious, our skilled therapists at Authentic Connections Therapy and Wellness can help you understand the behaviors associated with avoidant attachment style. Follow the steps below to get started.
1. We encourage you to get to know a little bit about our therapists, their specializations, and their credentials. Get to know our therapists here.
2. If you think Attachment Based Therapy is for you, reach out to us! You can use our convenient online consultation scheduling here.
3. Begin the exciting journey of understanding your relationships to forge a lasting, healthy, and fulfilling relationship!
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