Overcoming Relationship OCD: Expert Advice from a Denver Therapist
Understanding, Coping, and Healing
Relationships can be one of the most fulfilling aspects of our lives, but they can also be one of the greatest sources of fear and potential for pain.
Entering a committed relationship inherently requires taking a risk — we risk changing familiar habits and routines, we risk not knowing if the relationship will pan out, we risk the possibility of rejection or abandonment, and the ultimately the possibility of experiencing significant emotional pain if we invest in the relationship and it doesn’t work out.
It is natural to periodically have doubts or reevaluate your relationship. Is this relationship healthy? Is this dynamic sustainable?
For many, these types of questions can provide insight and guidance, allowing us to evaluate our relationship and take the necessary recourse to improve it, change it, or leave it.
However, for some, this sense of relationship doubt is counterproductive and may interfere with an overall healthy relationship dynamic. It can be challenging to tell the difference between helpful doubts and harmful ones. Some individuals may feel consumed by their doubt, which may in turn contribute to behaviors (compulsions) aimed at soothing doubtful parts. These attempts to soothe our doubt may perpetuate a continuous cycle rooted in fear and uncertainty.
What is Relationship OCD (ROCD)?
ROCD can be considered a subtype of obsessive-compulsive disorder where individuals experience obsessive preoccupation and doubts about one’s relationship and/or partner. Preoccupation and doubts may lead to compulsive behaviors aimed to mitigate or get rid of the intrusive thoughts. For individuals experiencing ROCD, these intrusions and corresponding compulsions may become increasingly time consuming, distressing, and debilitating.
If you find yourself questioning your relationship incessantly, battling intrusive thoughts, or stuck in a cycle of doubt and need for reassurance to mitigate feelings of doubt, you’re not alone.
Understanding ROCD and learning tools to navigate it can lead to a healthier relationship with both your partner and with yourself.
ROCD typically includes one or both of the following:
Doubts about the relationship:
Thoughts like “Am I truly in love?” or “Is this the right person for me?” are pervasive.
Individuals may fear they’re settling or could do better.
Doubts about the partner:
Focusing on perceived flaws in a partner’s appearance, personality, or habits. For example, “They chew too loudly; is this a dealbreaker?”
Concerns may feel magnified and out of proportion to the actual issue.
Intrusive thoughts may feel distressing and contradictory to your desires, creating confusion and a sense of internal conflict or emotional turmoil. Notably, these thoughts often do not accurately reflect the state of the relationship.
Common Compulsions in ROCD
Compulsions are behaviors or mental rituals aimed at alleviating feelings of emotional distress caused by intrusive thoughts. In ROCD, these may include:
Seeking reassurance: Constantly asking your partner or friends for validation about the relationship.
Overanalyzing: Ruminating on small details or past interactions.
Comparisons: Measuring your partner or relationship against others.
Avoidance: Steering clear of romantic gestures or conversations out of fear of “discovering” the relationship isn’t right.
While these behaviors might provide short-term relief, they ultimately perpetuate the OCD cycle.
How Does ROCD Impact Relationships?
ROCD can strain even the most loving relationships. Repeated doubts and reassurance-seeking may leave partners feeling confused, criticized, or emotionally distanced.
It can also erode trust in your own judgment, making decisions feel paralyzing — like an internal yo-yo, going back and forth between what you think and feel without any confidence in either direction.
It’s also important to understand that ROCD is absolutely treatable/manageable, and healing this pattern can lead to greater self-awareness and an even deeper connection with your partner.
Steps to Manage ROCD
Recognize the Cycle: Acknowledge that intrusive thoughts and compulsions are present. Try to look at these thoughts instead of from them.
Separate Yourself from the Thoughts: Practice mindfulness techniques to observe thoughts without attaching meaning to them. Strive to obtain more distance between yourself and the thoughts. You may acknowledge, “I am noticing a feeling of doubt” (instead of “I am doubtful”).
Reduce Reassurance-Seeking: Resist the urge to ask for constant validation or comparing your relationship with other relationship you perceive to be ideal. This might feel uncomfortable initially, but it disrupts the compulsive cycle and gets easier with repetition.
Strengthen Communication: Openly discuss your struggles with your partner in a non-blaming way. Explain the extent of what you are experiencing and how you’re working on it. Emphasize that you do not expect them to soothe your fearful/doubtful parts for you. Rather, you just want to facilitate an open line of communication and to ask for their support as you navigate the process of healing.
Seek Professional Help: Consider seeking therapy. Therapists specializing in anxiety, OCD, and relationship dynamics can help you navigate this journey. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, Exposure Therapy, Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP), and Internal Family Systems (IFS) Therapy may be particularly helpful for navigating ROCD.
ROCD doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed, nor does it define your capacity to love and connect. It’s a challenge for sure, but one that can be understood and managed with the right tools and support. With time, you can rebuild trust in yourself and your relationship, rediscovering the joy and connection that brought you together.
Individual Relationship Therapy Denver, Colorado
It is natural to periodically have doubts or reevaluate your relationship, our skilled therapists at Authentic Connections Therapy and Wellness can provide insight and guidance, allowing you to evaluate your relationship and take the necessary recourse to improve it, change it, or leave it.
1. We encourage you to get to know a little bit about our therapists, their specializations, and their credentials. Get to know our therapists here.
2. If you think individual relationship therapy with a focus on anxiety and relationships is for you, reach out to us! You can use our convenient online consultation scheduling here.
3. Begin the exciting journey of understanding ROCD and learning tools to navigate it leading to a healthier relationship with both your partner and with yourself!
We hope to hear from you soon!
